rights.

I came across this quote in my Social Autobiography of the American Civil Rights Movement class. (LOVE the class!)

“Through nonviolence, courage displaces fear; love transforms hate. Acceptance dissipates prejudice; hope ends despair. Peace dominates war; faith reconciles doubt. Mutual regard cancels enmity. Justice for all overthrows injustice. The redemptive community supersedes systems of gross social immorality. Love is the central motif of nonviolence. Love is the force by which God binds man to Himself and man to man. Such love goes to the extreme; it remains loving and forgiving even in the midst of hostility. It matches the capacity of evil to inflict suffering with an even more enduring capacity to absorb evil, all the while persisting in love. By appealing to conscience and standing on the moral nature of human existence, nonviolence nurtures the atmosphere in which reconciliation and justice become actual possibilities.”

Although this was written by James Lawson, an African-American nonviolent activist in the 1960s, its content applies to many battles our society is still fighting today. I love the relevance of this quote then and I love the relevance of this quote now.

Being on a college campus five days a week, I am now way more in tune with current events than I ever have been. Grand Valley has an excellent LGBT organization and strong push for acceptance of diversity on campus. This is one of the things that I really like about this university. One current event has particularly caught my attention. In recent weeks, there have been seven suicides of LGBT students. All under the age of 19. All boys. They all ended their lives because of bullying, cyber-bullying, hate crimes and prejudices. This is so sad. I want to stand up for these boys and tell them that they are loved. The fight against hatred towards those who are “different” than us is way more extreme than people realize.

This is the reason I love this quote so much. It applies just as much today as it does the day it was written. This is my heart, I had to share. Here are a few links to check out if you want more on this…

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130326132&ft=1&f=10617064

 

 

years.

I don’t know why I don’t write more often on here. I always want to. Every time I have a free moment of thought I wish my hands were touching a keyboard because my mind is flooded with ideas, commentary, puns, thoughts, conversation. When I finally get to the point of sitting down and trying to grind out those previous thoughts they have left me and I end up talking about how I just don’t write anymore. What a sad cycle. I am committed to breaking it. I need a tiny little notebook to jot down thoughts so I can effectively come back to them.

I am being taught by everyone around me it seems. I don’t know if my mind has been turned on by my recent return to the land of academia, but I am constantly discovering new. A few shout-outs, (because that is what I do…) Theresa Rowland, one of my Liberal Studies professors, is continually teaching me to challenge every social/habitual norm that is set before me, also, to always demand social change. Eric Kuiper, a friend and teacher in many ways, for teaching me to see and hear story in an entire new light. Ally Jester and Jill DeVries, two dear friends, for engaging in meaningful, challenging and purposeful dialogue that is headed somewhere and makes us better for each other and better for this world. Eva Teresa, a new-found friend, for showing me how to expand my mind and view of diversity, for challenging me on difficult topics.

I was talking with a friend the other day, looking through some pictures of my travels, and realized that all of that happened over a year ago. For the longest time I was saying, a year ago I was in New Zealand, or a year ago I was in Cambodia, but now that is over. I can’t believe time has passed by so quickly. I love relating that time to now. I can’t help but wonder how that will continue to unfold. I am still learning from all of the experiences that happened then. When I was right in the middle of that I never thought that I would be where I am now but I couldn’t be happier with my state of community and of progression each day.

Although I have never been so tired, I am enjoying this new pattern I have discovered. I just realized I haven’t taken my shoes off since 7 am this morning and it is now 7:14 p.m. That may be normal for some, but has never been normal for me. I don’t mind it. My mom recently sent me a forward of “funny adult phrases” and one said, “I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least a little bit tired.” I have never related to this more-so than I do right now. Although consistently tired, I have never felt so accomplished or productive with my days.

So, here’s to blogging, writing and sharing! May I do it often, do it well and do it forevermore!

Cheers.

fade.

Summer is fading away. Those crisp, fall days are moving in quick and I am thrilled beyond belief to no longer feel the humidity of those scorching hot summer days. School is in full swing and I am learning balance. Discipline is a hard task for me. I am loving all of my classes and having a productive mind feels better than ever.

I also want to comment on ArtPrize. Yes it has begun! All in the name of art. This city, my city, has come to life in the past week with over 1700 pieces of art on display around town. Brilliant!

beginning.

And so it begins… an entirely new season of life that is. I’ve got the first week of school under my belt and so far it is completely enjoyable. Busy but enjoyable. When I wake up and my days are accompanied with things like a huge cup of coffee, a reflective drive to campus, Ally Jester, learning about things I am interested in and the prospect of a beautiful Michigan fall… how could the transition be bad? Sure, adapting to waking up at 7 every morning has been slightly rough but the good outweighs the bad here.

I am a student.

summertime.

It has been nearly two months since my last post. Why? I can’t even begin to answer that question. Maybe because it is hot outside and I don’t want to sit indoors and type words on this screen. Maybe because I am not comfortable sharing the thoughts in my head with my readers. Maybe because I have had writers’ block. Maybe because I just haven’t thought a thing about it in two months. None of these are very good reasons as to not write. It is something that I love to do and want to continue to do. So I will.

(A thanks to both Heidi and Chad for challenging me with this.)

So here goes. This has been a summer of heat, humidity, coke slushies, late nights, long hours, questions, new things, change, growth, climbing trees, silly bands, spontaneity, kisses, laughter, songs, train rides, naps, stamps, crafts, cheese and sunshine. That should catch  you up on things.

I also want to share this video for the following reasons… 1) I am in love this not only this song but this band, Frightened Rabbit. 2) This seems like something I would try and make, simple idea, but still highly rewarding to watch. 3) I have never seen a time lapse where the clouds are so still. 4) I love time lapses. 5) I dedicate to Beau Davidson, who I know will read this and watch this and appreciate this. Somehow this made me think of you.

Cheers!

monday afternoon

interlude.

I play a film reel in my head of the way I see my life playing out. I have always done it… With family, friends, school, travel, loves, exciting experiences, etc. The reality of my days never match up to what I have imagined them to be. Although different, I would also say most things end up better than what I had envisioned. It takes time to see that. That goes to show I have no idea what is in store, making trust a huge part of my life. Things are starting to look different and I am letting go of what I think is best and learning that just living today is all I have and all I need.

I just spent a week with my mom and dad and older brother. They came up to Grand Rapids for a wedding and got to spend some time on my turf. It was a great visit. Really great. The conversations I am able to have with my mom about who I am, who she is and how we have influenced each other to be where we are now. To see my dad look at me with adoring eyes, they speak and I know I am so well loved with the absence of words. It is this stuff that keeps me going.

hand.

And I trust in You.

list.

Snooze. Seven. Dress. Mirror. Words. Coffee Filter. Gather. Pulse. Keys. Clock. Weather. Sky. Voice. Song. Light. Wait. Shadow. Water. Ice. Scripture. Idea. Compost. Tear. Smile. Dirt. Earth. Gum Wrapper. Photo. Map. Beer Bottle. Flower. Peppermint. Fear. Tendency. Hunger. Book. Bored. Meticulous. Volume. Lips. Louder. Electronic. Decision. Enjoy. Question. Answer. Question. Tissue. Relate. Review. Renew. Think. Memory. History. Pen. Mail. Wind. Star. Tea Bag. Shower. Meal. Click. Update. Worry. Comfort. Road. World. New. Old. See. Begin. Attract. Realize. Rhythm.

Again.

plath.

Brought to my attention by a dear friend. It really brings you in.

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

(The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath)

history.

The tea kettle just began to boil, this particular kettle doesn’t quite whistle but my ears have become so accustomed to the delicate simmer that it is as clear as a whistle when it is ready for steeping. What a familiar sound- I can hardly stand the thought of going to bed without hearing it, much less enjoying a nice cup of valerian lavender tea before dreaming. And I love my fox mug. It is such a picturesque evening. A perfect breeze blowing in my window- it smells just lovely, and crickets chirping. Spring is here.

I now choose to drown out those calming sounds with some familiar Michigan music to accompany my thoughts as I write tonight.

I cannot stop thinking about Rob Bell’s sermon last Sunday.

“One day the men of the city said to Elisha, ‘You can see for yourself, master, how well our city is located. But the water is polluted and nothing grows.’ He said, ‘Bring me a brand-new bowl and put some salt in it.’ They brought it to him. He then went to the spring, sprinkled the salt into it, and proclaimed, ‘ God’s word: I’ve healed this water. It will no longer kill you or poison your land.’ And sure enough, the water was healed- and remains so to this day, just as Elisha said.” 2 Kings 2:19-22

Curses are made to be broken. Here, Elisha is ushering in an entire new era. A new word can be spoken. History does not decide, it describes. History does not decide, it describes. There is going to be a new day. This is the new day! These words have been resonating in my mind ever since they were spoken over the congregation on Sunday. God is moving, here and now. It isn’t a matter of what happened yesterday, or a year ago, or ten years ago, it is a matter of the present. God is a God of the present. His presence is present. That is what He has been teaching me over and over and over. I can’t seem to totally grasp on to it. I feel like I have been learning just that for well over a year. Reminded and reminded again. It is slowly becoming real to me.

In this 2 Kings scripture there is salt and there is water. Two physical reminders of spiritual realities. God is so faithful! Jesus wants to rewrite our stores and He has freed us to do so, to create new. The salt in this story ushers in a whole new age. This is such a beautiful symbol to me. That is it. It happened. Now something new is going to happen. I choose Jesus. I choose to walk this way.

What I think about the world around me and about myself dictates the way I live. My world “lens” deeply shapes the way I think, trust, perceive, understand, appreciate, react and exist. It matters so much. These things navigate my everyday life. Scripts, patterns, voices, cycles, words, beliefs, narratives, arguments, histories. They all bind me to the past. I allow them to shape who I am instead of releasing all of that and repenting. I want to exercise my mind to think and to comprehend in a whole new way. I want to break out of this mold that has been created around my mind and see new, speak new, hear new, feel new, create new. Hallelujah.

Throwing salt into the water.

Healing and creating new.

“Friends, this world is not your home, so don’t make yourselves cozy in it. Don’t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they’ll be won over to God’s side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives.” 1 Peter 2:11-12

I am rejoicing in this renewed soul I have been given by my Heavenly Father.

History doesn’t define, it describes.

play day with the kuiper boys!

house.

I have written words on pages since I can remember. I have kept constant journals since I graduated from High School. Just yesterday I pulled out a bunch of journals and was flipping through them. I encountered so many memories from the past; trips to California, time spent in Colorado, troubles, travels, loves, music, family, friends. It was really interesting to see my progression of thought and how my writing has changed over the past few years.

My pen has felt clogged lately- I just can’t quite narrate my days like I used to. Am I not allowing myself time? Space? Even when I have bursts of creativity I no longer reach for a pen and paper like I so often did- I am channeling in other ways. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing, it just became apparent to me since I read all of these things from the past. Anyways, those are just random thoughts.

A lot of stuff has been going in Grand Rapids- I feel like I haven’t addressed that in quite a few posts now. WE GOT A HOUSE! Not just any house but THE TREEHOUSE. By we, I mean the girls of the intentional community I am involved in. It is just across the street and down a few houses from the guys house – The Barth Bag- and suits us perfectly. Jaclyn, Deborah and Kristen are moving in this weekend and my move in date is pending on several things. Praying about that. What a gift this house is! It has so many windows and is light inside, we have a prayer cantina and so much space for cooking, crafting and communing together. Blessings, blessings, blessings!

And finally, I decided to go to school. Here is why… Last week Jaclyn, Kristen, Michael, Matt and I went out to a farm to work and learn and help. It was such a beautiful day and the whole time I felt so passionate about learning from this woman, Annie. She was full of knowledge about the earth, how things grow, sustainability, horticulture, etc. I began to pray about how this could be used in my life and by goodness I realized this is what I need to study in school! So Environmental Studies it is! This fall! Hooray! School!

These sunshine days are too wonderful. Thank you thank you!

spring days.

poem.

Just for the purpose of sharing such beautiful words…

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry

tracks.

This is today…

Beginning again. New fellowship. Secret rooms & passageways. Chocolate hummus. Strawberries. Exploring new train tracks. Falling in love with rain. Stepping on fish. Bitter wind. Bridges & birds. Cold feet. Breathe owl Breathe meets The Tallest Man on Earth meets Anathallo. Pages and pages and pages. Words and words and words. Chickens. Piling under quilts. Reading old correspondence. A fox mug. Drifting eyes.

This is where the weather led me…

“As he rose to his feet he noticed that he was neither dripping nor panting for breath as anyone would expect after being under water. His clothes were perfectly dry. He was standing by the edge of a small pool – not more than ten feet from side to side – in a wood. The trees grew close together and were so leafy that he could get no glimpse of the sky. All the light was green light that came through the leaves: but there must have been a very strong sun overhead, for this green daylight was bright and warm. It was the quietest wood you could possibly imagine. There were no birds, no insects, no animals, and no wind. You could almost feel the trees growing. The pool he had just got out of was not the only pool. There were dozens of others – a pool every few yards as far as his eyes could reach. You could almost feel the trees drinking the water up their roots. This wood was very much alive. When he tried to describe if afterwards Digory always said, “It was a rich place: as rich as plum cake.”  (The Magician’s Nephew, C.S. Lewis)

350.

It’s Earth Day Week!

There is a lot of great stuff out there about the Earth- and lots of stuff you can do to make it a better place to LIVE! Let’s all celebrate the beautiful creation this week by acting on all of the things that we have been made aware of in the past few years with the “green” trend. For starters- check out this website… www.350.org !

It is great great great and talks about solutions to the current climate crisis we have found ourselves in and getting CO2 out of the atmosphere! Also, there is some great media that goes along with this. Make sure you check out all of the videos and especially the May Erlewine special… so wonderful.

earth.

I have been thinking a lot about this earth that we live on, walk on, learn from… I keep seeing it for what it was, as if nothing man made was ever built or created or invented and there was still land to roam, land untouched, land to explore that held mystery and beauty. There is still so much beauty, daily, the trees silhouetted against the sky, the purple and pink sunsets, the trees blooming in the spring… but I just get very confused and angry and numb when, for instance, I drive down 28th street and see business after industry after corporation, and people in their cars- another way our culture has individualized itself- stopping and going, like ants marching in a line. There is such a desire within me to resist it all. Sometimes I want to stand up and yell, why don’t we feel anymore? Why do we lead such fragmented lives?

I have been praying that my reasons to feel would become very sincere to me- important enough to do things to change how desensitized I sometimes feel. Simple steps, big steps, I want change. We all choose our own way, at the end of the day.

What happened to the front porch? What happened to local bonded communities? I am really thankful because I think I have found a group of people here, a community that desires all of this. We are re-rooting, we are going against what our culture has taught us, we are being called back to a Kingdom lifestyle.

Last night there was a benefit concert for the Barefoot Victory Garden and it turned out to be a joyous picture of family. Everyone was jumping, dancing, singing, skipping, smiles on everyone’s face. Music is so powerful in that way, in a way of connecting everyone, with everything else falling away, at least for a little while. I became very aware of my grateful heart and the gifts I have been given with landing here in Grand Rapids.

In response to all of this I have come across a poem, a long time favorite. I was reminded of it yesterday because it was read at the concert. It’s words are so strong and can teach so much- every time I read I ask that my eyes are opened to something new that can be learnt.

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise, vacation with pay. Want more of everything made. Be afraid to know you neighbors and to die. And you will have a window in your head. Not even your future will be a mystery any more. Your mind will be punched in a card and shut away in a little drawer. When they want you to buy something they will call you. When they want you to die for profit they will let you know. So, friends, every day do something that won’t compute. Love the Lord. Love the world. Work for nothing. Take all that you have and be poor. Love someone who does not deserve it. Denounce the government and embrace the flag. Hope to live in that free republic for which it stands. Give you approval to all you cannot understand. Praise ignorance, for what man has not encountered he has not destroyed. Ask the questions that have no answers. Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias. Say that your main crop is the forest that you did not plant, that you will not live to harvest. Say that the leaves are harvested when they have rotted into the mold. Call that profit. Prophesy such returns. Put your faith in the two inches of humus that will build under the trees every thousand years. Listen to carrion–put your ear close, and hear the faint chattering of the songs that are to come. Expect the end of the world. Laugh. Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful though you have considered all the facts. So long as women do not go cheap for power, please women more than men. Ask yourself: Will this satisfy a woman satisfied to bear a child? Will this disturb the sleep of a woman near to giving birth? Go with your love to the fields. Lie easy in the shade. Rest your head in her lap. Swear allegiance to what is nighest your thoughts. As soon as the generals and politicos can predict the motions of your mind, lose it. Leave it as a sign to mark the false trail, the way you didn’t go. Be like the fox who makes more tracks than necessary, some in the wrong direction. Practice resurrection.

twentytwo.

“How well God must like you- you don’t hang out at Sin Saloon, you don’t slink along Dead-End Road, you don’t go to Smart-Mouth College. Instead you thrill to God’s Word, you chew on Scripture day and night. You’re a tree replanted in Eden, bearing fresh fruit every month, Never dropping a leaf, always in blossom.” (Psalm 1:1-3)

Where to begin… I am surrounded by goodness. I have got some great, great people in my life. The One who has called me is indeed faithful.

I am turning yet another year older, time seriously flies. I have been thinking about my last birthday -my 21st- spent in New Zealand on Faith Week. I have never been so attentive to God’s voice as I was during that particular week of my life and I think He is trying to communicate something with me about that time. I knew no distractions, I was on the road, on foot, with nothing, literally nothing. God promised me a year of growth and learning and expanding my relationship with Him in ways I could never imagine or dream of. He did just that. So now, I am sitting in my bed about to fall asleep on this lovely birthday-eve and I am realizing all of these wonderful and abundant blessings He has handed me. I am seeing all of these promises fulfilled.

Tonight began with a superb dinner with the Kuiper + Ywam family. I feel so fortunate to be so close to these wonderful people. Their wealth in love and loving others exudes with joy and transmits to those around them. I am just so well cared for around here it blows me away.

After that we headed over to the Barth House for a semi-surprise birthday party on the rooftop of Matt’s store- overlooking Wealthy Street. Truly magical. As I was climbing out of the window onto the roof I was immediately serenaded with ‘Happy Birthday’ and greeted by many familiar and loved faces. I was totally smitten with the situation I found myself in. I could never re-create that moment with words but the lighting was just right, the sun had just gone down, the breeze was slight, the smiling, singing faces seemed to radiate with joy and as I looked around at everyone I was totally overcome with bliss and gratefulness. It was a very fanciful evening.

On top of all of that (and this isn’t even the end) I was given a new bike, an original painting, tropical dots, and a few items of vintage clothing. Like I said, so well cared for.

And then… we were all gathered around talking, sharing stories, enjoying each other’s company and Jaclyn initiated a time of prayer for me- so good. I feel it is so important to be prayed over and for on your birthday- what a huge day of symbolism, emergence, family, spirituality. So a few prayed out over me claiming my inheritance as a Child of God and thanking Him for His gifts and so on. All the while I just felt God telling me that this year, my 23rd year of life, is going to be a year of New Life, Imaginative Existence. Along with that I just feel so restored.

What a good night.

To cap it off- Jaclyn gave me two verses… Psalm 1, which I opened up this blog with, and 1 Peter 1:3-9 which I want to share with you in two different versions of the Bible.

(TNIV) Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

(The Message) What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven- and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all- life healed and whole. I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory. You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don’t see him, yet you trust him- with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you’ll get what you’re looking forward to: total salvation.

See what I mean- New Life! (All of this and it isn’t even really my birthday yet, blessed beyond belief.)

spring.

We have settled in. Being in this new house is utterly fantastic. This past week we set up a compost, planted a garden (tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, green beans, peppers, carrots, basil, cilantro, oregano and onions!), and got chickens! I guess this is our way of nesting.

Our chickens are so cute! They are only chicks now and live in a box with a warming lamp… Wendy, Zimmerman, Scurvey and Featherfoot, they will be laying eggs by the end of August. I have had this great inspiration lately to do thing myself. I want to be able to sustain myself and my habits as well as possible. I think this summer we are going to try and set up some workshops with friends. There are so many gifted people in this city who have so much to give, we want to format it in a way that anyone we all know that has learned a specific trade, to take a day and teach the rest of us. So far we have a tanner, photographer, soap maker, cheese maker, wine maker, musicians, seamstress, wood cutter, painter, the list goes on…

Also, feel the need to also note my loves for bicycling, reading in my hammock, sitting around our new fire pit, and Jonsi’s new album.

It’s Springtime!

exploration.

Rain is falling just outside of my window and the unwilted scent of dew is creeping in with every slight breeze. I am completely in love with this time of year. These great days are made new with eternal reminders of restored life. Yes yes yes!

A lot has happened since I last wrote. To begin with, Greg, Marrianne and I moved into a new house. It is so wonderful to have a yard, compost, garden and chicken coop! We are also all really loving being closer to everything our lives revolve around. So that has been great.

Also, for the past few weeks we have had a continual YWAM reunion going on here in Grand Rapids (lightening just flashed outside my window…. I LOVE STORMS!). It started with Kristi Singleton, then Skye Campbell and Phil Kuda came along, followed by Kenny Bayless, Katy Crane and Beau Davidson. We were only all together for about 24 hours but it was maybe the most amazing 24 hours I have experienced in a long while. What a blessing for all of our paths to cross again… not to mention this wasn’t really planned. God is good. We knew that.

I feel like I have turned over a new leaf.

I know that is a big statement.

Something is going on inside of me that feels very different. I guess I should say different in a way that I haven’t felt in a long time.

I am content.

I can’t help but smile.

I feel completely content with what God is teaching me, who I am surrounded by and my purpose for being in Grand Rapids and just BEING in general. I almost felt this feeling come upon me- in fact I can recall the exact moment I was filled with glorious joy of a divine nature. Last week we all went to the shore in Holland to have a picnic and watch the sun go down. I went on a walk along the beach… it was on that beach. Some huge things were communicated to me right then and there that just changed something, healed something, made my heart whole again. I now find myself just really very cheery.

Earlier tonight I was at a sports bar with some friends watching the final game of March Madness. If you know me at all, you clearly know that this isn’t my scene or pursuit, but I was there visiting so that made it well worth it. The whole time I was there I couldn’t help but people watch and just feel very aware of all that was around me. I got completely overwhelmed. There were at least a dozen TVs up on the walls, it was extremely loud, just a lot going on. I just felt like screaming at the top of my lungs. Does anyone feel anymore? I was just saddened. I couldn’t hear what anyone around me was saying, the distraction and desensitization of media and “keeping up” just really gets me down. I crave a certain peace in life. I crave wholesome community, pure conversation, uninterrupted time, no diversions from the truth. This is a really strong inclination in my life and heart right now. I think it is all very good- I am glad to realize and learn from situations like these.

After all of that I came home and got an email from a sweet, new, dear friend with some words she got for me, prayerfully. It was all about exploration. A reposeful discovery in an intimate sense with my Creator. Her words were beautiful and just collided perfectly with how I was feeling at the moment I read them. Thank you.

Man this is all over the place. It is always hard to focus when i haven’t written in forever. Hope you can bear with this motley collection of thoughts.

fire.

NO ONE WILL PUT OUT THE FIRE.

“Tell the forest of the south, ‘listen to the message of God, the Master, says, I’ll set a fire in you that will burn up every tree, dead trees and live trees alike. nobody will out the fire. the whole country from south to north will be blackened by it. Everyone is going to see that I, God, started the fire and that it’s not going to be put out.’” Ezekiel 20:45-47

A friend spoke this verse over me yesterday and it resonated with so many different thoughts. She interpreted the “fire” to be the Holy Spirit and when you read it like that, these words have some serious power. Along with the verse she gave me some more words…

“I immediately saw the fire as a representation of God’s spirit and anointing. Notice, again, the image of trees. Dead and alive. And God’s holy fire burning them up. The holy fire is in You. He has started something awesome in You, and NO ONE will put out the fire. Everyone in your life will be touched by the flame, and it is evidence of God’s community. I think this is an encouragement from the Holy Spirit about your identity. You are a child of the King. His power is burning in you, and regardless of what any person or power or demon or whatever says about you or to you, and despite the way you’ve been treated, you are no less of an heir to God’s Kingdom. The fire is real. Everything else will be burned up by the fire.”

The fire is real.

The fire is real.

What a beautiful picture of encouragement, friendship, community, strength. These words, when I read them for the first time, knocked me off my feet. Do you know what it is like to have people in your life who speak this stuff over you? It is one thing to hear God’s word in a sermon or read about it in a book, but it is an entirely different thing to be individually blessed by the word of God through a brother or sister. It sinks deep within you, it becomes a part of you, you are filled up with TRUTH and the lies disappear.

The fire is real.

exultation.

We were all galavanting, throwing our hands up high, parading in a single file line. Luminous whistles rang from our lips, cheers of bliss and songs of adoration rolled off our tongues. A picture of pure release. The boys were beating on drums, the girls were whistling flutes and dancing with ribbons. We had never experienced such joy.  Yes, yes, yes!

Suddenly we marched right up to a rickety, uneasy bridge crossing a mighty gorge. A spirit of darkness fell upon us. If we fell into the gorge while crossing it would be the end of the light. At such a heavy moment, we lifted our eyes to what waited for us on the other side and decided that we had no choice but to lay our lives down, risk everything we had. We had to cross that bridge to fully experience what was on the other side, the Kingdom of our Living God.

We all, at once, stormed the bridge, grasping each other’s hands, not looking back for a single moment. Just as we all hit the solid ground on the other side of the gorge the bridge gave way. Instantly we were overtaken with refined light. We all collapsed to our knees in complete awe and wonder at the presence of our Father.

It felt as though we were experiencing heaven right here on earth. Living in harmony with the one we love. Oh, how He loves us! Jubilation! Euphoria! Rapture! The freedom we had felt prior to crossing the bridge was infinitely multiplied, we couldn’t even stand in the presence of the Spirit. Tangible love encountered. We were never the same.

“So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life – your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life – and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” (Romans 12:1-2, The Message)

camaraderie.

It is very common for my mind to come alive at night. The later the better. I have a very bad habit of letting it keep me up way too late, however, it always a time of such wonderful stillness that I can’t find elsewhere. Good is always produced by late night company with myself. It is like the peace of darkness, something about it gives me a very solitary energy. (Maybe because as a child, my mother instilled Psalm 4:8 into my mind?)

stillness.

I have  had a great weekend. I traveled up north to Traverse City and Lake City with two wonderful friends, Deborah and Jordan. The weather was fantastic as well as the company. Getting away is always good to say the least. Seeing new, expansive land is always good for my mind. Laughing until my side hurt and trekking through the woods at sunset was pure delight.

sunset.

My mind has been very active lately with thoughts on surrender, camaraderie, worldliness, community. I think I am extremely inspired by those around me. Deep thought is transmitting from my community here. It is so refreshing to have conversation about the things that I am passionate about and want to grow in; Kingdom centered dialogue. By having these conversations with the people around me I am able to process things with much more ease. It has been a blessing. I have finally found a truly great community of brothers and sisters.

winter woods.

I have come to the realization that I am never alone. Lately I have been very conscious of who I am surrounding myself with. I have felt a very strong sense and need for friendship and love, even physical comfort– hugs, smiles. For a while I had this fear of being alone… like I couldn’t stand the thought of just being with my own company. Not only have these needs been met by the love of friends around me but also by the peace of the Spirit. I look no further for company outside of myself. It is amazing to see that transformation and defeat of fear within myself. In Your presence all fear is gone. And that is where i want to constantly dwell.

peregrinate.

“Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.” (matthew 6:33)

*all photos by deborah panes.

friendship.

big smiles.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
ee cummings.

sunshine.

In light of the few days of beautiful sunshine here in Grand Rapids, this disconnect has been burning in my heart. I love what Rob Bell has to say here….

“Many people live in air conditioned houses and apartments.

We alter our air with electric machines.

We spend vast sums of money and energy to change our air. And we drive in air conditioned cars- the 8 percent of us in the world who have cars- to air conditioned schools and offices and stores with tile floors and fluorescent lights.

It’s even possible to go days without spending any significant time outside.

And it’s still considered living.

It’s easy to go for weeks and maybe even years without ever actually plunging your hands into soil. Into earth. Into dirt.

But this car- this is the one, the one with the space for my cooler and the kayak that I don’t own. This is the car that will change things.

Massive amounts of money are spent convincing us that this particular auto-mobile will give us access to the mountains, streams, and deserts that we are unable to access at this moment. And when we make that trip, in that car, the one from the commercial, we will be connected with the earth. With our home.

We see this disconnection in the relationship between our sleep patterns and the invention of electricity. Prior to the lightbulb, people generally went to bed when the sun went down and woke up when the sun came up. With the invention of electric light, sleep habits became less and less regulated by the rising and setting of the sun. As a result, people today get far fewer hours of sleep a night than people did a hundred or two hundred years ago. We even have third-shift jobs in which a person works through the night while it’s dark, and then sleeps through the day while it’s light. All of this affects our connection with nature. Where once the rhythm and flow of life were dictated by the rhythm and flow of the earth, we now live relatively independent of these forces.

We struggle in our connection with the earth, in our connections with each other, and with being connected with ourselves.

But it wasn’t always like this.

In the first chapter of Genesis, when God creates the first people, he blesses them. This is significant. God’s blessing is the peace of God resting on people. The story begins with humans in right relationship- in healthy, life-giving connection- with their maker. All of their other relationships flow from the health of this one central relationship- people and God. They’re connected with the earth, with each other. They’re naked and feel no shame.

And then everything goes south.

They choose another way.

And they become disconnected.

And this is where you and I come in. We were born into a world, in a condition, of disconnection. Things were created to be a certain way, and they’re not that way, and we feel it in every fiber of our being.” (Sex God-Rob Bell)

anniversary.

One year ago today was the very first day of lectures in New Zealand. These were my thoughts on March 2, 2009…

“I have never in my life felt such peace in a place. The time to be alone and with God is truly amazing. After the first day of lecture prep I have grown so excited for the journey ahead. I am so hungry but don’t feel the least bit rushed or anxious like usual. The girls here are so incredible. I get chills when I think of all the different stories of how people ended up here and yet we are all here at the root of the same reason. Jesus Christ. He really has something so huge in store for us all as a group and as individuals. I have never been so excited to pursue relationships with the people here. I am already learning so much and feeling God work in me. Amen. I am so thankful for this place.”

This has been a season of remembering and reflecting. I seriously can’t believe an entire year has passed since this moment. God is so faithful. So much change and growth happened over the course of the past year and I am so excited to see what is yet to come. Lately my mind has been trying to relive some of the memories that have shaped me. It is really cool to see what God is bringing up- and relating it to today. Yes.

I also feel the need to mention friendship. I am so blessed! I am completely blown away by the embrace of all of these wonderful people here in Grand Rapids. What an answer to prayer.

amigos.

How great is the goodness you have stored up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world. (Psalm 31:19)

potter.

Read this. This man gets it.

http://www.mlive.com/living/grand-rapids/index.ssf/2009/04/potters_house_school_superinte.html

yes.

The bottom is never the bottom.
I knew this transition would be hard, but this past week has been far more rocky than I anticipated. Teary eyes, hurting heart, prayerful mind.
I just got off the phone with my dear friend Beau and that conversation combined with the reading I did last night, I think it is safe to say the worst pain is behind me. The devil has no grip here. My heart has a huge capacity to love, and to ache. Because of choices I have made and because of risks I have been willing to take, I have felt this on levels I didn’t know I ever would. This feeling of heartache is so universal, it is something that is as old as the world, something God feels and has felt ever since the creation of humankind. Freedom of choice leaves room for acceptance or rejection. Instead of being angry or frustrated with where the Lord has led me now, I can instead RELATE to him, share in this feeling of sorrow with him.

“In matters of love, it’s as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything – that’s what makes God, God. But God can’t do everything. God can’t make us love him – that’s our choice.” (sex god- rob bell)

So now, I say Yes. Yes to the question that God asked by sending his Son to this earth, “What will you do with me?” I am saying Yes, heal this pain. Yes, teach me to forgive. Yes, show me how to love like you love. Yes, allow me to find redemption in this story. Yes. I am yours. There is so much for me here in Grand Rapids. I know that this is a way the enemy is trying to mess with me, distract me from this community. I also know where I find my identity and it is in nothing of this world. So I press on. I will learn to trust again, to love again, to risk again… because no risks mean no love.
That is where Beau came in and reminded me that there is so much, even in this day, that God has for us. He brought up John the Baptist (JTB, FTB, ring any bells?) and his passion and counter lifestyle and the way he ultimately F’d the biggest B the world has to offer. I long to be in that, to live in that, to take risks such as JTB did. Preparing the way and the world for the coming of Jesus, ultimately loving others and loving Jesus, no questions asked. In discussing John the Baptist with Beau, something sort of clicked. I felt affirmed in what is ahead… that was healing in and of itself. Nothing else matters. (Also, read Luke 3 for a real look at how JTB can relate to what is happening here in GR. See previous blogs if you don’t know.)

I feel as though I have to acknowledge all of this stuff right now as a way of healing. I am having to dig, to relive in order to press on.

“Our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. When we don’t avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. When we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker. And in this chance we’ll find a reason to risk again. If God can risk, then maybe we can too.” (sex god – rob bell)

It’s like loving, continuing to risk, looks pretty much as insane to the world as wearing camel and eating locusts.

when.

Sometimes the past year of my life seems very surreal. So much happened. I saw so many new things, met so many new people, walked on new turf, found myself in a whole new spirituality, began to live a whole new way. It all took place in the matter of months so I am still, to this day, processing what all went down to get me where I am now.
Depending on the day, I am either flooded with memories of where I have been and what I have done or don’t even consider that it at all happened. It is strange how my mind works. How can such powerful events and experiences that changed my life forever be forgotten or neglected so quickly and easily? Distractions. Ungratefulness. Busyness.
I have been realizing more and more that I need to center myself on what I do have, what God has given me, on the life I get to live and the life I have lived. Until I find complete contentment in that, I will always be looking for another life- or wondering why these experiences aren’t more powerful to me today. It is a matter of gratitude. For that reason, I think it is great to remember. I need to remember who I am, where I have been, who I have met, what I have seen, what God has done for me, DAILY. I have to remember all of this because in forgetting, I lose sight of who God is.
So today I am reminding myself YES I did study the Bible in New Zealand for 3 months, yes I spent one week tramping the South Island on foot with one sandwich, twenty dollars and two others in the name of Jesus and His provision, yes I played with orphaned children in Bali, yes I gave my testimony to a bunch of Taiwanese Senior Citizens, yes I went from door to door in rural Cambodia proclaiming the way of Jesus to Buddhist families, yes I looked prostitutes in the eyes and told them that they are loved by a God so much bigger than all of the mess they are stuck in, yes I got to walk where Jesus walked and see, firsthand, the history of the Bible in Israel. All of that was just the beginning, now I see that. God grabbed my heart and opened my eyes to a new way and I can’t deny it any longer. I have to live every day remembering what he has done for me so that I can continue to walk in that light.

mount of olives, israel! (missing this very MUCH)

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30, the message)

bridges.

bridge [brij] noun: (1) a structure carrying a road, path, railroad, or canal across a river, ravine, road, railroad, OR OTHER OBSTACLE. (2) something that makes a physical connection between two other things. (3) something that is intended to reconcile or form a connection between two things.

Sometimes I see things. In prayer, in thought, in contemplation. Last night while listening to The Soil & The Sun at a house show, I saw something. “Raised In Glory” happened to be their last song of the evening and as the words were sung out “Son in weakness raised in power… Son of dishonor raised in glory… Oh King of justice child of David, wash your hands, Son of David, wash their feet…” I closed my eyes and was instantly taken into a state of worship. Everything around me faded away, the music filled every inch of my being. I saw white light, I saw peace, I saw old ancient gates crashing and crumbling down while being replaced with strong, magnificent bridges.
This isn’t the first encounter I have had with bridges as of late. They seem to be a part of what we are talking about here in Grand Rapids. I may be reading too far into this but I know that there is something to be learned here. I wanted to know the exact definition of a bridge so when I looked it up, the words OR OTHER OBSTACLE jumped off the page at me. It all hit me at once just what the bridges mean symbolically.
I have been praying that this community we are talking about and starting to build up is a way to bring a new humanity to this earth. This whole entire vision and dream IS the bridge, satan being the obstacle. We are called to be a structure to carry people out of the world and into the kingdom. We are to reconcile and form a connection between this life we are living now and the kingdom we are called to.
Bridges.

bread.

Jaclyn and I have been adamantly conversing about what God is doing in our lives RIGHT NOW, and it is big. Really big. Every day I get more and more excited about what lies ahead, like jittery excited. A New Humanity is being restored right here in Grand Rapids, right before our eyes and we are called to be a part of it. Heaven is invading earth. Occupying. Seizing. Conquering. (Unceasing Adoration if you will.)
In the past few months I have been confused, distracted, pained, overjoyed, overwhelmed, and rerouted. In the past few weeks God’s grace has taken hold of my heart and what has happened in the past and made a path that is so clearly where I need to walk. So I am.

Long ago, back in New Zealand (literally seems like a lifetime ago) we had a speaker named Joseph Watson who taught on “Destiny & Calling” and prompted us all to write our wildest dreams down in a journal. He encouraged us that nothing is to big or wild, that as children of God we must claim our inheritance and no longer live as orphans. So I did just that. This is what I wrote… (May 2009)
A holistic community. Bringing truth to all nations. Reaching the unreached. Prayer. Worship. Art. Music. Fellowship. Workshops. Opportunities for the lost, poor, homeless, broken. Urban development. Mission support. A bridge to a new humanity. Garden. Sharing. Two by two. Going. Sending. Supporting.

Now, as I find myself back in Grand Rapids, this is all starting to happen. The most amazing part is that I haven’t really had to go after it, it has all come to me. Right now the steps are simple. Prayer, conversation and ideas. I have realized that I have a choice. The Lord has given the earth to humankind (psalm 115) and I am going to be a part of His Kingdom on earth, living under His rule and reign.
Looking forward to having Beau and Phil here at the end of March to love on and exhort the life out of all of this. (Hopefully Dan, Katy, Kristi and Kenny too!)

“God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great is your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The ‘worst’ is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly.” Lamentations 3:22-32

an evening in grand rapids.

desensitized.

Just attempted to watch District 9… holy COW. No way. I don’t know what has changed in me (well actually I do have a pretty good idea what has changed) but I just do not enjoy watching the things I used to watch. It doesn’t necessarily have to be blatantly bad or inappropriate, I just hate filling my mind with media-driven violence, war, gore, etc etc. My head hurts.

That’s all.