The bottom is never the bottom.
I knew this transition would be hard, but this past week has been far more rocky than I anticipated. Teary eyes, hurting heart, prayerful mind.
I just got off the phone with my dear friend Beau and that conversation combined with the reading I did last night, I think it is safe to say the worst pain is behind me. The devil has no grip here. My heart has a huge capacity to love, and to ache. Because of choices I have made and because of risks I have been willing to take, I have felt this on levels I didn’t know I ever would. This feeling of heartache is so universal, it is something that is as old as the world, something God feels and has felt ever since the creation of humankind. Freedom of choice leaves room for acceptance or rejection. Instead of being angry or frustrated with where the Lord has led me now, I can instead RELATE to him, share in this feeling of sorrow with him.
“In matters of love, it’s as if God has agreed to play by the same rules we do. God can do anything – that’s what makes God, God. But God can’t do everything. God can’t make us love him – that’s our choice.” (sex god- rob bell)
So now, I say Yes. Yes to the question that God asked by sending his Son to this earth, “What will you do with me?” I am saying Yes, heal this pain. Yes, teach me to forgive. Yes, show me how to love like you love. Yes, allow me to find redemption in this story. Yes. I am yours. There is so much for me here in Grand Rapids. I know that this is a way the enemy is trying to mess with me, distract me from this community. I also know where I find my identity and it is in nothing of this world. So I press on. I will learn to trust again, to love again, to risk again… because no risks mean no love.
That is where Beau came in and reminded me that there is so much, even in this day, that God has for us. He brought up John the Baptist (JTB, FTB, ring any bells?) and his passion and counter lifestyle and the way he ultimately F’d the biggest B the world has to offer. I long to be in that, to live in that, to take risks such as JTB did. Preparing the way and the world for the coming of Jesus, ultimately loving others and loving Jesus, no questions asked. In discussing John the Baptist with Beau, something sort of clicked. I felt affirmed in what is ahead… that was healing in and of itself. Nothing else matters. (Also, read Luke 3 for a real look at how JTB can relate to what is happening here in GR. See previous blogs if you don’t know.)
I feel as though I have to acknowledge all of this stuff right now as a way of healing. I am having to dig, to relive in order to press on.
“Our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. When we don’t avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. When we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our maker. And in this chance we’ll find a reason to risk again. If God can risk, then maybe we can too.” (sex god – rob bell)
It’s like loving, continuing to risk, looks pretty much as insane to the world as wearing camel and eating locusts.